I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
