I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
