I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
