I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
