Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
