whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
