I am in a vortex of obligation.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
