I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
