That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
