I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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