apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
