i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
