Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize