How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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