I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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