This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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