just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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