she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Randomize