: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
