DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
