if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you inspire me to be a worse person
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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