I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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