True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
