I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
