Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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