I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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