You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
