I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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