I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
