Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
