his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
