I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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