Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
