woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
