Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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