My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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