I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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