I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
