I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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