the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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