It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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