when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
