I must be too annoying 4 u.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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