why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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