Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
