Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
