i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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