I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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