I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
