I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
