he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
