Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Life is so much better after having sex.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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