OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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