Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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