I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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