Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
