so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
