No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
