My liver just broke up with me...
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
