I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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