I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
