I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
