I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize