it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
whose parrot is this?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
