I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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