my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
