yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
