I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
