Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize