Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
