So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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